are you so shy because you have an std?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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