he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
