Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
