Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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