apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
