Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
