Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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