At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
