I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
