I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
