went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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