Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
