Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize