being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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