Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
