We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
