here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He told me they were just razor bumps!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
