Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
