I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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