I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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