These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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