You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
