rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
