I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize