What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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