last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think my mom watched the whole time
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
