btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
