i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
