Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
