Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
