I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize