yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your cock deserves a montage
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
