do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
