So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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