I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
