What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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