dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
