I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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