the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
