I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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