I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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