I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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