okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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