Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
