Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
