If i come over, it means nothing
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
