I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
