i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
ttyl tear gas
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
