The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
