I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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