Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
