She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
