When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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