I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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