Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
