I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
