How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
