even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
