On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
