seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
